Ex-Everything

by Mucho Groucho

As I write this, my future ex-wife is with her current boyfriend, Jack; a divorced man who has a beard but no moustache. That she finds this attractive is beyond me. Maybe she likes the “beatnik finds Islam” look. Jack’s little boy is a friend of my daughter and I think she had a little coaching from her mother as to how wonderful the little boy is. One big happy family without me.

When I hit hard times financially my future ex realized how unhappy she had been all these years. An attempted reconciliation failed when loverboy broke up with his ex girlfriend rendering him free for my ex-wife. He makes a nice living and works in the medical field. Good for her. I hope late at night when she is asleep he conducts medical experiments on her. They are probably having a nice barbeque right now and if my future ex-brother-in-law is doing the honors he is probably roasting a large pig in a spit to celebrate the new boyfriend, to piss off his Jewish neighbors and in honor of getting rid of me.
When I go to that place where I start longing that everything was as it were before, I am able to control this momentary insanity by focusing hard on my future ex-mother-in-law. She is an instigator extraordinaire; an expert in the art of mixing and I don’t mean she is a bartender. “Larry David is the best Jew ever” I remember her telling me in a moment of attempted endearment. I guess I was her second favorite Jew but by now I probably fall on the list somewhere under David Berkowitz and other Jewish serial killers.
Look intently at her picture and notice what looks back at you: nothing. Hers was a litany of random complaints; self-pity and the barking of commands not even a pit bull would be able to keep up with. She is the one I leave behind with Jewish jubilation.

These are the things she has been telling my 5-year-old daughter who means the world to me:

“Your dad needs to get a job so he can buy you toys and clothes.” (I am self-employed).

“New Jersey is boring.” (My daughter’s grandparent’s house is in NJ).

“They are not your REAL cousins.” (Referring to any of my child’s cousins on my side of the family).

Did I mention this is what she tells my five year old? So when my daughter asked me why women don’t have moustaches I corrected her that her “Nanny” indeed has one and she trims it once a month.

She has always been a trouble-maker in the television mother-in-law sense of the word but much worse. I take responsibility for my role in the failure of our marriage. My wife’s role was much greater if you asked me but my mother in law was also a BIG help. I’m glad I found her picture to stare at on this lonely Saturday night where my demons have taken the form of roaches and ants in an attempt to drive me insane in my small apartment. The next woman I marry will need to be raised poor so she does not have the kind of materialistic values my wife and her family have, but more than anything I hope her family is in a country far far away. Like Mars. Meanwhile I will get an exterminator and not think so much about my ex-life.

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