Monthly Archives: July 2011

Animal Psychics

Before I canceled my cable television service I used to get over 200 channels of television – and cable is not cheap. It was like paying a second mortgage! I should own HBO by now. The reason I canceled was because even with 200+ channels, there was never anything on television. All I would do all night long is channel surf like an idiot. One channel, after another, after another. I got so good that I can punch a channel in on the remote without even looking. The chicks really dig that!! But I usually just scroll up and down with those arrows – channel, to channel to channel – hoping that please G-d, let it stop. Let there be something on!!

Finally you just compromise. After a while you just have to. I just close my eyes and say, ok wherever it lands that’s what I am going to watch. So I land on a channel that has a show called “Pet Psychic” on. She communicates with people’s pets and informs the owners as to what’s on their mind. The show originated in LA – big surprise. So this is what I see. There’s a nice couple with their Lab, Tonto and this English lady, the pet Psychic. She puts her ear up against the dog’s mouth:

“Yes Tonto? What do you want me to tell them”

Tonto lets out a grrrrrl—–rough, rough!!! And whines a
little—-“errrrrrr”. Then he scrapes his paw against the floor and wails.

She translates for them:

“Tonto says you don’t pay enough attention to him. He is lonely and resents
the fact that you had him neutered”.

“Yeah well he should have thought about that while he was humping my leg,
and my wife had her tubes tied. You don’t see her complaining.

“He doesn’t like the carpeting in the living room”.

“I think he has made that abundantly clear!!! Didn’t need a psychic for
that one!! We knew he either didn’t like it or claimed it as his own.

“He’s a very intelligent animal. Very intelligent”. The dog pulls on her leg
like he wants to tell her something else:

The Psychic continues: “ He doesn’t like the blue automatic toilet bowl
cleaner. It gives him an upset stomach!”

“Yeah well if he is so intelligent what is he doing drinking out of the
toilet?”

She continues: “He wants you to sell your Cadillac and buy a rickshaw.”

With that both the lady and the dog were kicked out of the house.

The lady brought the dog to the ASPCA and they put her to sleep. Not the dog, the lady.

Reflections On My Birthday

Reflections on My Birthday

by Michael Cohen aka Mucho Groucho

Today is my birthday; I turned 49 at around 2 o’clock this morning. I usually feel depressed on my birthday but for some reason depression has not set in yet. When I was born my parent’s couldn’t think of a name for me until the second day of my life so for one day I actually did not have a name. They should have just named me Mucho Groucho to make things easier for me now; that or Walter. I always liked the name Walter. It has a ring of intelligence. Michael just sounds like my parents gave up and went with the most popular name of that year because they just couldn’t think of anything else. But I wouldn’t have minded a name that rhymed with my last name like Owen. Owen Cohen. I am going to name my boy Owen if I ever have a boy assuming I ever get remarried, and my wife is still of child bearing years but at 49 I guess I need to be realistic and give up the hope of marrying a rich, orphaned (no in-laws), beautiful, calm, young and kind contortionist woman.

When I was a child I remember crying every year on my birthday. How did I know getting older is such a downer? They did call me a gifted child, I guess that was my gift like the kid in “The Sixth Sense” who saw dead people. I must have seen my future self and cried every year. Maybe I was crying for the donkey we used to “pin the tail” on every year at my birthday parties. This year I am going to try to pin a tail on a real donkey just to see what happens.

I guess I must really be getting old because like all old people, I believe that things were much better when I was young. Music was better, movies were better and life in general was light and carefree and without the worries we have now of having to learn Chinese for instance, in order to really make it in the world. Now I am almost 50, practically broke, overweight and worried about my future. It’s like being 20 again! But who would argue that everything WAS better? Who would argue that The Beatles are better than Justin Bieber and Butch Cassidy is better than Harry Potter? Old people.

There are always those clichés you need a calculator for, like how many years of your life you spent sleeping. Whatever that number is all I know is that I am still very tired.; exhausted really. I often wonder and even ask G-d how many years I have left? I would like to plan ahead and rack up a credit card bill that will make the bank CEOs really angry when I pass. “That bastard Cohen. First it was bankruptcy and now this!”

Next year I turn fifty. Until that happens I will try not to think about being alive a half a century. I won’t think about the fact that my life is more than halfway over and I am divorced, overweight and practically broke. Today I will just enjoy myself but first I will call my doctor to make sure its ok to take a few extra clonopin with my birthday cake!