Hunting With Irving

by Mucho Groucho

Last Sunday I went hunting for the first time in my 48 years on Earth. My friend Irving who lives in NJ invited me to help curb the deer population as revenge for one stray that made his way into his home. The deer pranced through his kitchen, sat at his table and ate his last box of Cheerios. So in support of my friend, I bought a silly hunting outfit, camaflouge – which by the way I could never understand. A twig snaps in Upstate NY and the deer in New Jersey are like “What???!! Where??!! What was that? Lets get out of here” but me and Irving are going to fool them with our camaflouge.

The deer population is out of control in NJ and they’ll starve which is very inhumane so once a year they let any shmuck with a gun shoot at them. That’s more humane.
I personally am not out for blood, or at least not to kill and I know I won’t be able to get the movie “Bambi” out of my mind – so I figure I’ll do my part to help diminish the deer population – I’ll just go for their sexual organs. At least they’ll still be alive.

So I got the pistol I bought at a flea market in the Bronx – grabbed my outfit and I was set. Irving is a traditionalist he likes to use a bow and arrow, what can I tell you. A Jewish guy with a bow and arrow doesn’t make much sense to me but what do I know. Maybe he’s one of the lost tribes – Apache – Levi – I don’t know.

As soon I got into the woods I had to go to the bathroom. Must have been the noise from that babbling brook.

I guess I must have rustled the shrubbery a little – because next thing you know Irving was pointing his bow and arrow at me and before I can say “no!!!!!” he hit me with an arrow and it goes right through my head.

I said “what are you crazy?!!!, what are you doing hitting me with an arrow?!!!” He says “I thought you were a moose!!”

I thought: “ok, that’s valid”. So he rushes me to the hospital. I come in and all the doctors and nurses are in shock which really gives you a sense of comfort.

They quickly x-ray me and tell me that I have an arrow stuck in my head. Thank G-d my brain is so small the arrow completely missed my brain -went right above it and I had no permanent damage. But they need to operate immediately. However, first they tell me, I have to call my insurance company – to get approval for the surgery. So I called my insurance company and I get that recording, you know – if you’re a doctor push 1, if you’re a pharmacist push 2, if you have been hit in the head with an arrow push 3. So I’m on hold for a half hour. I’m sitting in the waiting room and people are using the arrow sticking out of my head as a coat rack. I say, “Hey! do you mind?!!” Finally someone gets on the phone. “ She says: “Hi my name is Janine, how may I assist you today?”

“Hi” I said frenetically, “it’s an emergency, we were hunting, Irving thought I was a moose and to make a long story short I have an arrow sticking out of my head I need immediate surgery. So she puts me on hold for an authorization number. Again, I’m on hold now for 10 minutes.

I’m listening to “Raindrops Are Falling On My Head” finally she gets back on the phone and says “sir”. I say “yes, yes, please hurry! I need an authorization number for my surgery” hen she tells me: “Sir, I’m sorry – your surgery was not approved.”

I said: “my surgery is not approved? what are you talking about?”

So she says: “I’m sorry Mr Cohen, we don’t feel it is a medical necessity we can not approve the surgery”.

“Did you hear me correctly?!! –I have an arrow through my head – medical necessity?!!!”

She said, “I’m sorrry sir since no damage has really been done except for the arrow through your head which is more of a cosmetic problem, you’re not covered for that, and we will not be able to approve your surgery. We suggest going to a hardware store, buying a saw and cutting the arrow on both sides to approve your appearance.

“So you mean – you’re not going to approve the surgery?”

“No sir, i’m afraid not”.

“So that’s it?!!! go to a hardware store and buy a hacksaw? That’s what you’re telling me? Can I at least send in the receipt and get reimbursed for the hacksaw?

“No sir, I’m afraid not”. I was in shock. i was speechless.

Then you know what she had the nerve to say to me?…….

“Is there anything else i can help you with today?!!”.

“Is there anything else you can help me with today?!!!!! Are you kidding!! Did I not happen to mention that I have an arrow stuck in my head!! How about starting with that?!!!’ So she hangs up on me. We went to a hardware store and Irving saws both ends of the arrow off and dinner is on him and that was that but I’ll never go hunting again. I won’t even go fishing!!! I’m afraid of where the hook might end up!

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