Monthly Archives: June 2011

Drugstore Cult

By Michael Cohen aka Mucho Groucho

Yesterday I went into a Duane Reade a local drug chain. I go shopping for food items there but only after filling my prescription of Klonopin and popping a couple for good measure. I hate shopping and have anxiety being around crowds, lines and too many choices for products. The old Soviet Union had it better with only one choice of bread, milk and other necessities. Why do we need 20 varieties of bread? It takes me 20 minutes to decide which to get and then when I get home I always feel buyer’s remorse. I knew I should have bought the whole grain. Damn this white bread! Wonder Bread??!! What the hell is so wonderful about it?

I always look for sale items as I am always broke and I would steal these items but they have those annoying theft detectors at the door. I picked a half gallon of milk. Sale price: $2.59. Eggs: sale price: $1.79 (jumbo are more expensive). Then to my surprise when I got to the cashier’s station, everything rang up 3 times more than the sale price. Eggs $7.00??? How much was the chicken that laid them $5,000? When I loudly complained, the cashier “axed” me if I had a membership card. “A membership card, what is this some kind of cult or something? Are you sacrificing a stock boy in the back to the god Dagon?” She continued staring at me with that glazed, cashier look. She is probably a card carrying cult member her self. Then she “axed” me if I would like to apply for the card. With 12 people on line behind me I started filling out the form. Name, address, phone number, social security number, last time you had sex, mother’s maiden name, father’s maiden name etc. By this time there was a near riot with people behind me who obviously did not pop a couple of Klonopins like I did. How do I know my father’s maiden name? He never told me.

“Is this necessary????!!!” I asked the cashier with the glazed look in her eyes. I handed her a $100 bill. She yelled toward the back of the store where the stock boy was being sacrificed: “I need approval”. I said “you’re a lovely woman and you have a thick head of hair like the tail of a thoroughbred race horse”. To which she responded: “Security!!!”

A security guard came out of the back room. He looked like O.J. Simpson but I am pretty sure it wasn’t him. “What seems to be the problem?” I said, “look, what’s with the membership cards? You list one price on the shelf and then the prices that ring up require a second mortgage. “That’s our policy sir”. The manager didn’t explain it either and I am pretty sure he was high on peyote. When I began to yell to try to recruit the others on line for a chain store mutiny the security guard that resembled O.J. stuffed my change for a hundred in my mouth and carried me out of the store. “I’ll never come back here again!!” I said with my mouth full. (I also say that in banks when I am unhappy which evokes a cacophony of unceasing laughter from the tellers– I only have about $100 in the bank at any given time).

The security guard and manager followed me outside and tattooed a symbol on my forehead that looked like the Proctor and Gamble logo and since then I have been feeling like I am in some unceasing fog like I am under some spell. They turned me into a drug store zombie but at least I never have to show my card again to get the really good deals and now the cashier and I are dating!

The Orgin of the Word “Hippopotamus”

By Michael Cohen aka Mucho Groucho

In Egypt lived a Pharoah
Whose thoughts were very narrow
But his frame was the largest in the land.
The king’s name was Potomus. Pharaoh Potomus the Third,
And he ruled Egypt with a weighty, iron hand.

His servants call him fatty. Pharaoh Fatty The Third,
But never to his face, they haven’t got the nerve.

One day his cook was fishing
For Pharaoh’s dinner meal,
The fishermen got sea sick
On some day old, mauraee eel.

So the cook grabbed the fishing pole,
And he looked outside the boat,
Larger than the eye could see,
He saw this creature float,

A behemoth? A swimming elephant?
What can that thing be?
When the cook swam somewhat closer,
He was too close to see.

And as he sat on him like a landed bird – he said:
“Why, he has the hip o’ potomus. King Potomus the Third”.

So from that day on as Hippopotamus he is known,
Now he reigns throughout the Egypt (The fat Pharaoh was over thrown).

From the Office of Clairvoyancy

I have a client that awakened me to the fact the the instructions she was sending me regarding her color scheme were “not very complicated”. This was email response:

Dear Ms. Cootchie Cootchie,

My name is Mr. Hector Abracadabra Snarrky Snark with the Office of Clairvoyancy here at Pop Media Pro. It was brought to my attention that it was twice mentioned how “not that complicated” your instructions were regarding the overhaul of the color scheme of your home page. Once by you and once by your “artist” friend. Unfortunately our office Happy Medium has been out for two weeks so we are in somewhat of a bind. He asked his Ouija Board a stupid question and it rose of from the table and struck him on the head causing a mild concussion. It also caused his head to sink into his neck to such a degree that his doctors are still unable to pull it out.

Thanks for the color wheel comments and the newly presented “hex”numbers whatever they are. In the future we ask that you place your forehead against your computer monitor – if it is an older monitor not a flat screen, please place your bare foot up against it and chant: hare rama lama lama ding dong 7 times emphasizing the words rama lama the first 4 times and the words ding dong the last 3 times. I am sure you will find these instructions “not too complicated” but I’m afraid if you do this incorrectly you will need to start all over again. By doing this we will be able to scan your mind so that we don’t have to google and find 90 varieties of the colors you are talking about like “purple” and “indigo” as you mention here:

can I see a dilluted cornflower blue behind the stories and then she may suggest changing the color behind the header to an indigo with purple/blue tones – stronger than the background – still keep the flowers and where the deepest turquoise is, the deepest purple/indigo should go there. Your guys should understand this. She thinks it’s stronger and she says it’s me.. And I agree – it’s also less feminine and my title is already enough of that. This is a little pastel for me.

Upon attempting to “dillute” the cornflower blue, the concoction looked and smelled so yummy that unfortunately we ate it with some crackers and cheddar cheese. However we will attempt to contact the spirit world again with the “hex” numbers you gave us but be advised that in our dimension most living souls use Pantone colors as a reference as listed and utilized in Photo Shop as opposed to ” indigo with purple blue tones” etc.

We are terribly sorry for the inconvenience and we are afraid we will not be able to proceed until we speak by phone and you can also channel in your “artist” friend in on the conversation. Perhaps we can schedule a time on Monday morning after your meeting with Shirley MacLaine. Thank you for your time and imaginary effort. As this will be the last website we ever do, we want to make sure you are completely satisfied that the colors you wish to present to your Los Angeles peers and fellow Hollywood friends scream: “CAROLl!!”

I caution you to please again remember to emphasize the words rama lama the first 4 times and the words ding dong the last 3 times when you have your bare foot or forehead on the screen as this is vital to our trademarked mind scanning process and if this is done incorrectly you may believe you are back in grade school again with a crush on your 3rd grade teacher Mr. Needleman as this can cause great stress and unnecessary trauma to your psyche.

Ms. Cootchie Cootchie, as always, we thank you for your business and we look forward to many, many more years of trying to figure out what you are trying to convey to us using the new language you learned during your astral projection classes and numerous visits to Mars.

Best,

H.A.S.S
PMP OOC

Hunting With Irving

by Mucho Groucho

Last Sunday I went hunting for the first time in my 48 years on Earth. My friend Irving who lives in NJ invited me to help curb the deer population as revenge for one stray that made his way into his home. The deer pranced through his kitchen, sat at his table and ate his last box of Cheerios. So in support of my friend, I bought a silly hunting outfit, camaflouge – which by the way I could never understand. A twig snaps in Upstate NY and the deer in New Jersey are like “What???!! Where??!! What was that? Lets get out of here” but me and Irving are going to fool them with our camaflouge.

The deer population is out of control in NJ and they’ll starve which is very inhumane so once a year they let any shmuck with a gun shoot at them. That’s more humane.
I personally am not out for blood, or at least not to kill and I know I won’t be able to get the movie “Bambi” out of my mind – so I figure I’ll do my part to help diminish the deer population – I’ll just go for their sexual organs. At least they’ll still be alive.

So I got the pistol I bought at a flea market in the Bronx – grabbed my outfit and I was set. Irving is a traditionalist he likes to use a bow and arrow, what can I tell you. A Jewish guy with a bow and arrow doesn’t make much sense to me but what do I know. Maybe he’s one of the lost tribes – Apache – Levi – I don’t know.

As soon I got into the woods I had to go to the bathroom. Must have been the noise from that babbling brook.

I guess I must have rustled the shrubbery a little – because next thing you know Irving was pointing his bow and arrow at me and before I can say “no!!!!!” he hit me with an arrow and it goes right through my head.

I said “what are you crazy?!!!, what are you doing hitting me with an arrow?!!!” He says “I thought you were a moose!!”

I thought: “ok, that’s valid”. So he rushes me to the hospital. I come in and all the doctors and nurses are in shock which really gives you a sense of comfort.

They quickly x-ray me and tell me that I have an arrow stuck in my head. Thank G-d my brain is so small the arrow completely missed my brain -went right above it and I had no permanent damage. But they need to operate immediately. However, first they tell me, I have to call my insurance company – to get approval for the surgery. So I called my insurance company and I get that recording, you know – if you’re a doctor push 1, if you’re a pharmacist push 2, if you have been hit in the head with an arrow push 3. So I’m on hold for a half hour. I’m sitting in the waiting room and people are using the arrow sticking out of my head as a coat rack. I say, “Hey! do you mind?!!” Finally someone gets on the phone. “ She says: “Hi my name is Janine, how may I assist you today?”

“Hi” I said frenetically, “it’s an emergency, we were hunting, Irving thought I was a moose and to make a long story short I have an arrow sticking out of my head I need immediate surgery. So she puts me on hold for an authorization number. Again, I’m on hold now for 10 minutes.

I’m listening to “Raindrops Are Falling On My Head” finally she gets back on the phone and says “sir”. I say “yes, yes, please hurry! I need an authorization number for my surgery” hen she tells me: “Sir, I’m sorry – your surgery was not approved.”

I said: “my surgery is not approved? what are you talking about?”

So she says: “I’m sorry Mr Cohen, we don’t feel it is a medical necessity we can not approve the surgery”.

“Did you hear me correctly?!! –I have an arrow through my head – medical necessity?!!!”

She said, “I’m sorrry sir since no damage has really been done except for the arrow through your head which is more of a cosmetic problem, you’re not covered for that, and we will not be able to approve your surgery. We suggest going to a hardware store, buying a saw and cutting the arrow on both sides to approve your appearance.

“So you mean – you’re not going to approve the surgery?”

“No sir, i’m afraid not”.

“So that’s it?!!! go to a hardware store and buy a hacksaw? That’s what you’re telling me? Can I at least send in the receipt and get reimbursed for the hacksaw?

“No sir, I’m afraid not”. I was in shock. i was speechless.

Then you know what she had the nerve to say to me?…….

“Is there anything else i can help you with today?!!”.

“Is there anything else you can help me with today?!!!!! Are you kidding!! Did I not happen to mention that I have an arrow stuck in my head!! How about starting with that?!!!’ So she hangs up on me. We went to a hardware store and Irving saws both ends of the arrow off and dinner is on him and that was that but I’ll never go hunting again. I won’t even go fishing!!! I’m afraid of where the hook might end up!