by Michael Cohen
aka Mucho Groucho
A few years back Congress passed a “do not call” list bill, outlawing the constant harassing sales calls that interrupted our lives at the absolute most inconvenient times possible, which for me is the period of 6 or 7 hours of napping I do during the day, every day before I go to sleep for the night.
I am proposing another list I would like to see implemented called: the “don’t ask me, don’t tell me” list which will prevent customer service reps and other agents of torture from engaging in the corporate language they use when dealing with us on a daily basis. If they interrogated the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, using that same antiseptic, robotic, blood curdling language, we would have won the war against terror years ago.
Cable Television Agent to Prisoner
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba:
“We can offer you our Triple Pay package for $99.00 a month and I will read you the terms that should only take about 20 minutes or so, or perhaps you would like to tell me when the next terror attack is scheduled to take place or where Osama Bin Laden is hiding? Ok. As you wish. This is a two year contract commencing…..”
This “do not ask or tell me” list is not limited to the telephone. For instance it also applies to the 17 year old gum chewing, friend texting grocery cashier who “axes” me if I would like a bag for the 30 items I just bought.
“No, I think I will juggle them while riding my unicycle home. Can you just toss me that can of tuna when I tell you…? Ok…..NOW!!”
This is my list. Feel free to add to it according to your own pet peeves, neurosis, quirks and idiosyncrasies.
After waiting on hold, and then speaking to 3 different people who ask for the same exact information that I entered on my “telephone keypad” a half hour ago, I am told by my Insurance Company agent that I am not covered for that unaffordable, life saving drug I need. I have the option of either paying out of pocket or dying. This is followed with:
1 – “Is there anything else I can help you with?”
“No, I think the prospect of an early death is quite enough for now but can I get your extension just in case because you have been so helpful. What’s your name again? Barbara? Barbara, are you by any chance wearing a long black robe and carrying a reaper’s sickle in your right hand?”
Then they have the nerve to ask:
2 – “Would like to take part in a survey regarding your satisfaction?”
“Yes, I would like to take the survey but I want it to be given by the CEO of your company and there may be some really foul language involved. Can you transfer me to the f-er now?”
3 – “Would you mind holding?”
“Yes, I mind holding. I would like you to bring the phone with you every where you go while trying to get an answer for me and just keep me on the line. I want to hear EVERYTHING that is said and you should know that your call may be recorded for “quality assurance” or training purposes or as Exhibit A when I take you to court.
Last month I didn’t realize there was an actual time of day deadline indicated on my credit card bill on the day the payment was due by. It was 5pm. To me, the day ends at 11:59:59 so at 11:00 PM I felt that I had plenty of time and I made my payment online. Then when I got my bill, I saw that I received a $50 late fee. I was 7 hours late according to their clock; I had a whole 59 minutes and 59 seconds according to mine. When I called this is what the agent told me:
4- “I waived the late fee as a one time courtesy………”
I answered in Brooklynese:
“Oh yeah? How about if I wave my FIST by your FACE
as a one time courtesy warning?!!”
Asked by every hairstylist that ever gave me a $20 hair cut”
5 – “Would you like me to trim the hair off your ears?”
“No, no!! Please don’t!! I am letting it grow out the way my Uncle Stanley’s ear hair did when he was 80 years old. I am also letting the fungus between my toes cultivate because I want to see if any tiny mushrooms might pop out. It’s an experiment.”
And back to the corporate world, the famously ridiculous:
6 – “Would you like to subscribe to our newsletter?”
“No thank you. I learned everything I needed to learn about your company when you denied me coverage for the unaffordable drug that could have saved my life. I won’t be receiving emails in Heaven but I will be petitioning God to strike your CEO with an attack of a pre-existing condition he won’t forget!!”
Accelerating the Apocalypse
by:
Mucho Groucho
There is chaos on the world stage like never before. Endless wars, tyrants stockpiling nuclear weapons like little boys collecting stamps. There are unprecedented natural disasters happening: birds falling from the air by the millions, fish forgetting how to swim and drowning in the open sea. We have role models like “Snooki” and Kim Kardashian for our kids to emulate, not to mention the dismal run of the NY Knicks basketball team. Spike Lee doesn’t even show up for the games anymore. This is the end my friend.
For people like me, the disenfranchised, disappointed, disenchanted, disillusioned and just plain “dissed” I have come to expect, accept and even anticipate the apocalypse. Let’s get it over with already. Why delay? Maybe we can even try to speed things up. Personally I am going to vote for Donald Trump if he runs for president to help make this happen quicker, and I urge you all to do the same. I am hoping his running mate will be Sarah Palin. That will really put an end to things quickly. Let them just be honest about their platform: “yes, we are trying to bring about the end of the world to just get it over with already.”
There is a lot of talk on who the anti-Christ is or will be. Some people think it’s Obama (he’s way too wimpy and confused), George Soros, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh (now that would be a shock, huh?) for many years I was convinced it was Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes.
These days I believe the anti-Christ is Stephan Hawking that brainiac physicist who may seem mild-mannered and nerdy but in 2012 (depending on how you interpret the Mayan calendar) he is going to pull out the nuclear ray gun he has been working on for 30 years, and while rising from that wheelchair of his, and with a voice that sounds like a cross between that of Arnold Schwarzenegger and roaring thunder he will point the ray gun at us, announce himself as God and say: “stick ‘em up!!” Of course he is not God but most people in Utah will believe him and some Scientologists. The rest of us will know him for who he really is: anti-Christ Hawking.
I never DID trust the guy but with all the political correctness police surrounding us at every given moment, it is nearly impossible to criticize or accuse any disabled member of society especially one who speaks with a digital voice-box like the damaged GPS device I use in my car.
But Hawking will not work alone. I suspect every geek I come upon. Every spectacle wearing techie that concludes our brief conversations with their code phrase: “have a nice day” is suspect and I have been taking names. Bill Gates is like number 2 on my list. What if there are anti-Christ tag teams out there? Actually there is mention of a false prophet who will also wreak havoc in conjunction with the evil one.
Immediately my mind races to: Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich but they are just the devil’s decoys. Like I said I have my money on Hawking and Gates. If you think viruses on your PC are hard to get rid of, wait ‘til you try removing them from the chip embedded into your brain. You will WISH you went MAC a long time ago when all your cool friends were switching over.
For those of you shocked by my candor and surface cynicism, just know that I read the big book and upon skipping to the end, I promise you the good guys win; whatever good guys are left alive that is.
For the rest of you, I leave you with the famous Marlon Brando line from the film “Apocalypse Now” to describe what it will be like for you:
“the horror……..the horror!”
Don’t worry; even horror can’t be all that bad and if the Mayan Calendar is right, it will be quick. Somewhere, there are ancient Mayans who are laughing their heads off at us for the havoc they are causing!