Oprah’s Network Lagging in Ratings

Ratings of The Oprah Winfrey Network have declined dramatically and are 10% lower than the ratings of Discovery Health, the cabler she replaced. Discovery Health was the network that brought us that memorable classic show: ” The World’s Oldest Conjoined Twins”. Sources close to Winfrey (not Stedman!) revealed that she recently bought the film rights to use as a vehicle for a wacky, traveling “buddy” movie which will star the mega sensational superstar and her best friend Gail. Oprah is a 50% partner with Discovery on the Network and Oprah is so worried about her finances that she recently let Gail pick up the tab at Starbucks for two double Frappuccinos. Concerns over her emotional state have caused Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil to intervene on her behalf which resulted in the highest rated special to date on the OWN. A special appearance by Dr. Drew Pinsky on loan from VH1 made the audience swoon until a fight broke out between Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil when Pinsky mocked Phil by singing the Beatles song “I am the walrus…goo goo ga choob..”. They both had to be removed from the studio and taping was abruptly halted when Dr. Oz began weeping bitterly like a young school girl.

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