Get a Job!!

By Mucho Groucho

Times are hard as they say and although I have a business, the stress I feel after every completed gig, the strain wrapped in the question of “will I ever get another gig”, has brought me to a terrible realization. I will need to take the advice of the great Doo Wop group the Silhouettes who in the mid fifties proposed the following words of wisdom only the Dalai Lama could aspire to today:
Yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip,
boom boom boom boom boom boom
If I left off one yip or boom I hope you will forgive me and attribute it to the anxiety I am experiencing during these troubling times.

As I previously stated I am an entrepreneur, which is another way of saying “I’m broke”. Had I described myself as a “businessman” you would know that I was about to ask you for money. My entrepreneurship began at age 13 when I took over the newspaper route for our vacationing paperboy who upon his return was appalled at the state of his business, which was left under my care. It seems I could never get the count straight and the NY Daily News was always happy to send me more papers than I actually needed to satisfy my run. Between that and the mother of a friend who vowed not to tip me until the window I shattered during a bad throw was paid for, I was broke. It took 10 years for him to bring the route back to a place where he made a profit. I still receive threatening calls today from the mom whose newspapers I stopped delivering because of the window. Hey, no tip, no paper!

I don’t know what’s more stressful, not having any money or looking for a job. Although I have many interests I have no marketable skills that I can think of. I flunked out of college and never received my B.A. I majored in film production but my real area of expertise was hemp-ology: the study of marijuana. My independent studies were known throughout the campus of the college I attended, which because of legal reasons my lawyer tells me I should not mention. With one whiff I was able to tell you the type of pot you possessed and whether it was any good. I checked but I haven’t found any listing asking for this skill I possess. Their loss. They can go on smoking inferior weed if they like.

Qualifications are unfair and hold way too much weight. I believe I would be an excellent cardiologist for example. Why should some simple education and experience prevent me from trying? My real talent is making people laugh. I write comedy and sometimes perform. Unless Lorne Michaels is reading this, I would probably have more of a chance performing open-heart surgery than getting a gig as a comedy writer but if you know Lorne please show him my work.

I suffer from fatigue so in addition to having no earthly skills that are worth paying for, I need to nap for a couple of hours every day in the afternoon. How do I explain this on job interviews? I will need to ask potential candidates whether they have a couch in a quiet room.

Instead of trying to respond to classified ads for jobs that I know I have no chance of getting, I decided to place my own classified ad in the NY Times:
Position Sought: comedy writing, nap taking, negative thinker seeks a rewarding career that will utilize my gifts. I am not a team player but have the goods to be able to pretend to be one. Please inquire with a wake up call between the hours of 2:00 PM-5:00 PM but not before 2:00PM please. Thanks.
Please G-d, let Lorne Michaels read this!

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