Monthly Archives: February 2011

Earth is Valued at Over 5,000 Trillion Dollars!

Scientists have come up with a mathematical formula that valued our world at over five thousand trillion dollars! Upon hearing this figure, China immediately offered an insulting, lowball bid explaining that since 72 percent of the Earth is covered in water they should get a discount of at least that much and also because Iceland does not have very good “curb appeal”. They also deducted the amount owed to them by the United States and suggested that NASA make the necessary preparations for colonizing the moon as soon as possible. America has been handed an eviction notice by the world court but when the sheriff’s office came by to personally deliver it our government shut off all the lights in an effort to pretend that we were not home.

American Advisors Sent to Libya to Support Protestors

Americans have sent their first contingency of advisors to aid and encourage the Libyan protestors: NFL football fans!! Chet Everett of Athens Georgia was one of the first to arrive and had this to say:

“well, since the season is over and we didn’t have much of anything else to do since we’re all unemployed, we decided to bring our face paint and help the Librarian people in their quest for democracy. We are proud to serve our country and set an example to our Liberian friends that with enough face paint and tom foolery you can get the attention of the whole world and maybe a few cheerleaders!”

Gaddafi Thankful to Oscar

Muammar Gaddafi issued a statement this morning thanking the Academy Award Ceremony for allowing him to take a day off from being in the “minds eye” of the public. It was reported that Gaddafi watched the broadcast alone in his bunker, transfixed by the fanfare and suspense of who would win best actor and actress and which picture would receive the Academy Award. “This is the first year in a long time they got it right”, he said by telephone today. “These Coen Brothers are so over rated. As long as those Zionists are in the race no one could win. I thank allah their piece of sh*t, “True Grit” was not nominated. I hope everyone continues the festivities for another few days to give me a chance to figure out my next move. Thank you.”

Lady Gaga to be Godmother to Elton’s Son

Lady Gag, pictured here after a day long make-over, received good news today as she was told that she would be the godmother of Elton John’s adopted son Zachary. Gaga promised not to refer to her self as the child’s “fairy god mother” because that is a role Sir Elton wishes to keep for himself. He has the wand and the financial backing, as anyone in the free world knows, to deliver on any wish the child can possibly think of.

Water Found on Mars!

Also found were dirty dishes, a sponge, and an empty bottle of “Joy”.

Japan Unveils Ultra Realistic “Robot Girl”

Tsukaba, Japan

Japanese scientists introduced the first silicone based, ultra-realistic female robot at the technology convention which was held here earlier today. The robot’s inventor Hiroshi Ishiguru of Osaka University was quoted as proudly saying: “she can do most anything a real woman can do – talk, walk, sit, stand even read. The only thing she can not do is parallel park a car. We have not been able to crack the code on that one yet.” The inventor was ecstatic when a colleague discreetly informed him that even real women have not yet mastered that task!

Man Attempts World Record of Staying Awake for 40 Days!!

A Los Angeles man, Tyler Shields has been awake for 38 days straight in an attempt to beat the Guinness Book of World record of 40 days. In an exclusive interview with Mucho Groucho Tyler was quoted as saying: “Please God, make the dancing penguins dressed as Carmen Miranda go away.”

Notorious Mexican Druglord Makes The Forbes List

The civilized world was outraged when Mexican drug lord Joaqin-Guzman-Lorea aka “Shorty” made it again to the Forbes list of Billionaires in the world. We asked what it was like to be listed with loathsome, blood thirsty, greedy back stabbing murderers to which Shorty responded: “I don’t mind”.